My daughter came home from school one day when she was in Reception Class and told me about a Teaching Assistant who worked in Breakfast Club, After School Club and also helped out at lunchtime. As an August baby, my daughter was only just 4 when she left the familiarity of her nursery to start school, but this Teaching Assistant, unknowingly, made that transition so much easier. What huge thing did she do? She cut up her jacket potato at lunch time.

”I think she likes me because she always helps me and asks me if I’m ok”.

I confirmed that I was 100% sure that this lovely, angel of a Teaching Assistant did indeed “like” her, but I added that I’m sure all of the other staff in school did too!

”I don’t know. They don’t cut up my jacket potato”.

We can’t all be there to cut up the jacket potatoes of life, but such a simple, caring act had confirmed to my nervous 4 year old that things were going to be ok. She is now in Year 3 and still loves this member of staff as much as she did then. I ask now if Mrs B has cut up her jacket potato and I am met with an eye roll, but even with this new found 7-year-old-independence, it’s still Mrs B who makes each day that little bit brighter.

In my little corner of the SEND world, I try to place relationships at the centre of everything. The word “try” being key, because I don’t always succeed with this. My Headteacher speaks regularly about seeing the children at our school as our own and asking whether the care and support we offer would be what we expect for our own children. I always think about this when a child is upset, frustrated, angry, happy – how would I want someone to react to my daughter experiencing this emotion? What would I want them to say? How would I want her to feel after that interaction? It’s amazing how powerful a simple smile can be, a brief connection, an acknowledgement that they are “liked” or indeed, valued, as a member of the school community.

For pupils with SEND, relationships are so important. Over the years, I have seen children come into our school with so many challenges but it has only taken one member of staff to make a connection with them which has then made all the difference. It can be frustrating when those relationships are tested and it’s easy to take things personally as an educator, but the impact of positive relationships on a child or young person is immense and long-lasting, some people even citing these as adults in years to come.

So, how do you build a positive relationship with a child or young person? I can’t claim to be an expert, but I have compiled some tips below which have helped me over the years.

1: Find out about their interests.

This will create a starting point for discussion. You don’t have to like the same things to talk about them, if it’s something you don’t know anything about then ask questions! People love to talk about what they enjoy. If the child struggles with verbal communication, use pictures, photos or a laptop/tablet to look at things of interest.

2: Listen

As teachers and school staff, we are hard-wired to talk, we spend our days talking at people and imparting information. However, to build a positive relationship it’s essential to listen to what the person has to say. This could start with little things which might appear trivial, but if someone feels heard then they will soon feel more able to share bigger things which are on their mind. A good starting point can be sharing your ‘Top 3’ things from the day before, it’s a good opportunity to reflect on the previous day and will allow a two way conversation. Some children will not speak to adults at home, so this might be new to them and will be a skill which takes time to develop, so model it by sharing your ‘Top 3’, then encourage them to do the same. If a child struggles with verbal communication, you could give them an alternative means of contacting you, such as an email address or a journal, which they can choose to show you if they would like to share something.

3: Notice non-verbal communication.

Children with SEND and those who have experienced trauma, might struggle to tell you when something is wrong. In order to build a positive relationship, be observant of any changes in behaviour or body language which might suggest there is a problem or they need some contact with you. One pupil who I worked with would stand in the doorway of my office without speaking, this gradually progressed to standing next to me pretending to look at something on my board, before eventually coming in and using words to communicate that he needed some help. With other pupils, non-verbal cues might be more subtle, such as hanging their head low, chewing on clothing or disruptive behaviour in the classroom. If you notice anything, try engaging with the pupil in a non-direct way, such as asking them to help you with a job or sharing something of interest with them. Showing you care will help them to open up about what is on their mind, but even if they don’t, you have made a connection which they will remember and they might feel able to communicate with you when they feel ready.

3: Understand the bigger picture.

Some relationships are easier to establish than others. If you are finding it difficult to make that connection, make sure you have considered the bigger picture. What is the wider story of this pupil’s life? Connect with someone at home, find out about their morning and evening routine, show an interest in what is going on outside of school – all of these things will give you a better understanding of the pupil and how to help them. If you are a class teacher, enlist help with this from the pastoral or learning support team. It is ok to ask for information which will help you to support a child.

4: Be consistent (as much as possible)

Building relationships comes hand in hand with building trust. Consistency is key to this as pupils need to know what to expect from you. The school day can be really uncertain and there are many variables which we can’t control, but the approach we take with pupils should be as consistent as possible. We will always have our off days and that’s ok because we are human. We might snap sometimes and react in a way that wasn’t intended, but that’s when point 5 becomes really important.

5: Model the behaviour you want to see.

It’s ok to get things wrong. It’s ok for pupils to get things wrong and it’s also ok for us to make mistakes too. What’s important is how we deal with it. If we expect a pupil to apologise and engage in a conversation about behaviour then it’s a good opportunity to model this if ever we do something wrong. I remember years ago sitting with a parent and their child after an incident in school. When we spoke about what had happened in school and the language used by this pupil towards his one of his peers, it was very clear that this was similar language that was used at home. At one point, the parent got upset and said , “why do you say you hate me?” To which the pupil replied, “because you say you hate me”. It was simply a case of copying what he saw. If we get something wrong and we apologise for it, we are showing that it is ok to make mistakes, it’s ok not to be perfect, as long as we take ownership of it. In my experience, it’s something which gains the most amount of respect and helps to form trusting and respectful relationships.

Ultimately, pupils will know if you care. If you genuinely want the best for them then that will shine through. I am so fortunate to work with some amazing colleagues who, together, create an incredibly nurturing environment for our pupils to thrive and grow. When you work in that kind of environment then the love, care and respect comes back to you and makes it a happier place for everyone. That is the power of positive relationships.